Colbert - Stewart - Brett

Brett said that I should listen to Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert. I did. I like Stewart's long pauses. He makes fun of Obama pretty well, before he turns the tables, and makes fun of the people who make fun of Obama. I think he's ok.

Then I listened to Colbert and thought he was a dummy. He says if we were really Christian we would help the poor in America, or something:

"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

But we do help the poor. Hasn't he heard of food stamps? Or HEAP? Or food stamps? Or welfare? Or HEAP? Or WIC? Or food stamps? WIC is available even to the families of college professors like myself. For years I availed myself of it, and it helped the chicken nuggets fly down the hatches of the hummingbirds who live in this tin shack with the Cadillac out front. I gobbled down tons of peanut butter and drank fruit juice like I was living in Oceania.

Colbert thinks there are poor people in America.

I think of a poor person as one who is starving. In the Bible the Jews have to live off manna which was some kind of bugsnot that grew on stuff in the desert. The Jews didn't like it so they asked for quail. God sent quail. Everyone who ate it died, so they went back to bugsnot, or whatever it was (one theory offers psychadelic mushrooms).

Eating food is hardly our problem in America. Look around. Everyone is too big. It takes all one's willpower and ingenuity in America not to overeat. The average poor child opens the fridge and a cornucopia of delicious goods leap into his throat, threatening to choke him with calories.

It's true that there are some people who starve to death in America. The Karen Carpenter types. What can I say that hasn't been said. Get help if you find that you are a prisoner in an Auschwitz of your own making.

Around the world there are unAmerican countries where people can't get enough to eat, or drink.

Arid areas are the hardest to reach because of Marxist regimes. It's especially difficult to get water into arid areas because of the cost of shipping and because of the ruthless blockades of the Marxist pirates of Myanmar and Zimbabwe. Some people insist on living in deserts. Sometimes it's hard to find those people, as the maps are scarce, and it's hard to find nomads in huge deserts in order to give them our beautiful desserts. I imagine sometimes that they get thirsty for lemonade. It would work better if we could ship dry water and powdered lemon with them on the camels since it wouldn't be so heavy. With dry water, like dried food, all you'd have to do is add water.

Every American has access to water. Not so in India where it's one in five. 600 million people in India have never sat on a toilet. Around here that's all some people do. Try to get into a toilet in a mall. Some stinker will sit in there all day eating Raisinettes and reading the funnies between picking their nose and farting gasses so putrid you'd think it was World War I.

The main problem in America is that there's too much food being eaten. We have an obesity epidemic. So it's not about getting food distribution going. Go into any supermarket and you can eat all day and night for peanuts. Colbert is wrong, which means he isn't that funny. He would have been right if he was working in about the year 1100 or during the Irish potato famine. He apparently hasn't heard of food stamps, welfare programs, and other giveaways that have made almost everyone obscenely fat. We're rich at least in terms of our rich food. I do think there are too many stupid people (Colbert is one of them) but it's very hard to educate people like Colbert because they already think they know everything.

Maybe I'm too hard on Colbert in this report. But, I did like Stewart.